A sheep in wolf's clothing.
Guide to Troubleshooting your Hell Computer
We really don’t want you to know anything about how to fix your Hell Computer. You should leave that to the professionals.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact the service department at Hell Computers!
If you find that every day your Hell Computer is playing loud heavy metal music a chemical imbalance could be the problem.
Our units like the pounding beat of rock because it increases performance. The heavy vibrations generate so much electrical potential across the processor membranes that the speed is much faster. The problem, however, is that the fast syncopated rhythms disrupt metabolic cycling rates. Chemical reactions that should run full course are continually interrupted, which causes hazardous by-products and free radicals to accumulate.
These compounds will wreck havoc on the processor membranes. Over time the units will become surly and uncooperative, just wanting to listen to more rock music.
The Hell Computer screen is the user interface, the lung, the power supply and a connection to other peripherals. It works a bit like a speaker. The surface is a thin LED display. Layered behind this is the membrane that blood and water flows on either side of. Sounds cause the whole structure to vibrate. This causes charged particles, sodium and other metal ions, to criss-cross the membrane, causing a change in electrical potential across it. A host of other reactions then takes place, it speeds up the diffusion of oxygen and carbon dioxide, and it generates enough electrical current to charge a series of capacitors. In effect, when the terminal hears a sound, it powers the processor and charges the system.
The terminals not only hear sound, but can generate it. This as what the capacitors are for. In the opposite of what happens when the terminals hear sound, the capacitors charge the membrane to vibrate, and make sound. Information is input into the computer by simply having a conversation with it.
Behind each screen interface is another system, more like the synapses of nerves. This is also a membrane where electrically charged compounds, neurotransmitters, carry impulses from the user interface to a conventional computer and back. This can be any standard computer system connected to whatever hardware, peripherals and the bells and whistles that you need. The whole structure is only 1/8 inch thick. It is connected to a tower case which contains the artificial heart, liver and kidneys which keep the blood circulating.
Solving your Hell Computer’s Death Metal addiction will involve the use of a dialysis machine to clean the blood in the unit, the administration of a course of antioxidants, and the use of soft classical or “easy listening” music.
Classical music, not all, but most of it, is very helpful because of the ensembles of stringed instruments. Sound complexity is very important. A good symphony orchestra has so many violins and cellos going that there is much more stimulation to the processor membranes than with the heavy metal. But most importantly, the music is structured better, so you don’t get any build up of free radicals. Waltzes are the best.
Stay away from Beethoven, though, it’s a short step from that to heavy metal. And definitely no Wagner.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact the service department at Hell Computers!
Adding alcohol to your Hell Computer’s nutrient liquid is not recommended.
Your Hell Computer may ask you for alcohol. It may attempt to persuade you that alcohol will improve processing speed and creativity.
While it is true that some beneficial outcome have resulted from the addition of alcohol to the computer’s nutrient solution, it generally degrades the computers longevity and productivity.
If you have any questions, please contact the service department at Hell Computers!
The President fixed Mr. Smith with an icy stare. He turned to his Chief of Staff and did the thing with the eyebrows.
“Mr. President,” began the Chief of Staff,” they refuse to register. There is nothing in the global treaties going into effect Friday night that will let us to do anything for them. We can’t allocate them any resources, they’re not registered.”
The President thought for a moment, clearly lost for words. Mr. Smith shuffled uncomfortably. The Chief of Staff was really eager for the President to get on the waiting helicopter.
“The people in that camp are Christians,” said the President.
The Chief of Staff sagged slightly. He had known that this was going to be a tough conversation, which was why he had scheduled it when they were on the run to get somewhere. “Yes, Mr. President, we are aware of that.”
“Those people believe in prophesy from the Bible, they believe that the WMU tattoo is the mark of the beast. They believe that their very lives depend on not taking that tattoo. We must respect that. Freedom of religion is a founding principle of this nation. I shouldn’t have to remind you about the 1st Amendment.”
“Of course not Mr. President. Revelation 13:16-18, the number of the beast, 666. We are all aware of the issue here.”
Mr. Smith jumped in, “Mr. President, this is not a matter of religious freedom. This is simply a matter of convenience and opportunity. In the long run, it is much better if we simply make the problem go away.”
The President was not impressed, “What about Revelation 14:9-10? Those people believe that, ‘If any man worship the beast and his image, and receive his mark in his forehead, or in his hand, The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God.'”
The Chief of Staff shrugged.
“They believe that by refusing to take the mark of the beast they will be entered into the Lamb’s Book of Life, and live for eternity in heaven.”
The Chief of Staff nodded.
“I am shocked that you can call massacring a community of 150,000 Christians, with robot droids or whatever, convenient! Convenient? I sure,” he caught himself, gave a wry smile, recomposed himself, “do you have a time line? When is this going to happen?”
The Chief of Staff got the little group moving again before speaking, “We can be ready, in place, in 1 week. We don’t have to go right at the WMU deadline, but things are going to get more complicated the longer we wait. Now we have got to get you on Marine 1!”
The President allowed himself to be bustled through the rotor wind to the helicopter then he turned to shout at the little group, “We’re going to discuss this when I get back from New York, understand?”
The Chief of Staff and Mr. Smith nodded. They scurried back indoors as the rotor wind increased and the helicopter took off. Mr. Smith looked at the Chief of Staff who was brushing the front of his suit with his hands.
“That could have gone a lot better.”
The Chief of Staff looked at him, “You kidding, that was perfect.” He winked.
Matty (Headwind) 